That Which Makes Me Stronger

Today is my brother's birthday. His 40th to be exact. Well, it would have been. I have dreaded the arrival of this day for each of the past three years. I can't believe it's been almost three years.

Lukie Pukie, Lucile or, if you want to be boring, Luke. That is his name. January 9th will mark three years since his death, and I can't believe it has gone so fast. Especially when at the time it felt like the world had stopped and wouldn't go on. But it did. And in that time I learned that, while time does heal wounds, sometimes the lingering scars are even more difficult to deal with.

At first I had a hard time with the crying. Weeks after his death I would sob uncontrollably. At work I would just shut my office door. Then at church it seemed like the hymns we sang would always be those we sung at the funeral. I couldn't sing some of my favorite songs for over a year. Sometimes I would get up and leave the room so I didn't have to hear it.

I've come to realize there is an unspoken "grief timeline". It seems to be generally assumed that within the first 3 months or so the crying should stop; after 6 you won't be sad; and after a year you're fine. Anyone who has dealt with a loss of this magnitude knows how inaccurate that really is. The death of someone close fundamentally changes a piece of you. And that piece is always grieving.

All week I've been a little sad without even realizing why. October 28th must be highlighted in my subconscious. I was never close with my brother. He was, after all, 10 years older than me which is huge when you're growing up. Very long spans of time would often pass between conversations, yet now hardy a day goes by when I'm not thinking of him.

I often wonder how things might have been between the two of us. We butted heads for years, and it wasn't until we were both adults that we could finally have a real conversation. I miss what might have been. I miss what was. And it hurts to think about it all.

The thing about pain is that you learn from it. Our bodies are biologically designed that way. Sometimes it's hard to admit that emotionally and spiritually we're designed the same way. Especially when it hurts so bad.

My beliefs are the only thing that get me through those dark times in tact. Stronger, in fact. Luke's death forced me to examine the fundamental tenets of my faith; why we are here, where did we come from, and where are we going. We Mormons call it the Plan of Salvation.

This experience has strengthened those beliefs. I know that our time on earth is designed for our eternal progression and that without struggle we don't grow.  I know families are eternal through our Savior, Jesus Christ, and the ordinances of the temple. And I know that I will see him again.

After Luke's death I couldn't imagine how I would ever be able to speak, or even think, of my brother without bursting into tears. A friend who had lost her father several years ago told me that eventually I'll be able to think of him and smile.

And she was right. It still hurts at times, but now the smiles are there too.

Lettin' Her Light Shine

Sweet Cheeks has been singing the song This Little Light of Mine since she heard it on Little Bill a few weeks ago. Non. Stop. As luck would have it, I found a fabulous blue grass version of it on CJane's blog. When I asked Sweet Cheeks what she thought about it, she said "That's not how it goes. I like my version better."

So there you have it. Little Bill apparently is better, but you just might enjoy this too.

This Little Light of Mine from The Lower Lights on Vimeo.

On Coveting....

 

I've been really bad lately. Bad as in seeing lots of things I like and buying them. Mostly clothes and accessories.  Always on sale, I'll add. Or free, in the case of my new ottoman. But none the less I've been getting things for myself. Not my posterity.

I'm determined to do better because, really, who in real life can just keep buying and buying stuff. And that's all it is. Especially after I just parted with a load of crap. Anywho...I've really decided that there is something that I want for myself and my posterity.

This summer we made an effort to go on family bike rides. Otterpop has a trailer for Addie-Cakes, and I have a trail-a-bike on my cruiser for Sweet Cheeks. Which works just fine for family rides. But what about the times I want to go for a ride with the girls when Otter isn't around? Well, the Madsen Cargo Bike would certainly be a solution to that conundrum.

Maybe if I save my pennies I'll be able to get one for next summer. That means no more clothes for Tera. I'll start living by the pioneer mantra: "Use it up, Wear it out, Make do or Do without. "

Wise words.

In that spirit...I've had an itch to make a few quilts for a while now - one for my bed, the other to be used as a throw in the family room. I have a bunch of fabric scraps, so I think I'm going to make a scrap quilt or two. In the style of these fabulous quilts.

Alas, quilting will just have to wait until after Christmas. When the girls' homemade gift is done (more on that later) and the short winter days keep me inside with nothing else to do.

Nothing to do. Right. A girl can wish.

A Fly On The Wall

Why is it that I always have ideas for a fab blog post only to find by the time I get my rear in gear to write the moment is gone? Yeah, that's pretty much the story of my life.

It's been one of those weeks, or two, that not a whole lot has happened, yet there's gobs to tell. If you were a fly on the wall in my life, this is what you would have seen:

1) It's official. I'm running another 26.2 miles April 9th. Now I really need to find someone to run the entire 26.2 with me. Or just someone that is insane enough to tag along for the long runs. A few friends of mine are running the half marathon which will be great fun for the first 13.1 miles we run together. But then they are done.  And that's really not helpful to me especially on those long, arduous runs this winter. Any takers?

2) I've realized yet again that I'm all or nothing. The past few weeks I've been an organizing maniac. Label maker and all. The result was a large pile-o-crap, a few tense moments between Otterpop and I while we negotiated what should stay or go. And of course our stuff is a great deal more organized than it was before. Why was it this experience that made me realized it's all or nothing for me? You see, in the time I was going through all that, everything else was neglected. Blog included.

3) Yard Sales really aren't for those who don't have mountains of crap to unload. I'm usually the sale-ee, but a few weeks ago Otterpop's sister's community was having their fall community sale and we tagged along with their sale. We tried to sell the crap from #2, and ended up with $40 in our pocket and a big carload to the Salvation Army. The kids, other the other hand, made $60 on their bake sale. Lesson learned: If you want some extra cash, load a table with goodies on the corner and set your kids out there to sell them. (The goodies, not the kids)

4) But...the trip to the Salvation Army made the scant $40 we got for hours of labor well worth it. You see, Serendipity occurred while I was dumping our junk. Another dump-ee pulled up the same time I did with a FABULOUS round, green ottoman. The kind I've coveted for not a short amount of time. Before I even asked if I could buy it off of him, the man offered to load it into my car. For free. I suppose you could say I was paid $40 to get a fabulous piece of furniture I've wanted for a long time.

5) With the end of the growing season comes the end of our CSA season. Bummer. I've really enjoyed our weekly box. The silver lining is that we now get to be gleaners. Last week I gleaned lots of green tomatoes, bell peppers and jalapenos and made a roasted tomato salsa. It's not my favorite, but it's not bad either. Oh yeah...and I canned it. How industrious am I? Madre y Padre are so proud.

6) Lester visited this weekend, and I was reminded how much I've let myself go this summer. I really haven't been running much, so when I went for a run with her Saturday I felt like a slug. I tell my self lately it's because I've had that nasty lung infection that everyone seems to have. However......I. Must. Run. More.

7) I've also been hearing the song "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" sung over, and over, and over again by my favorite two year old. Lester got it on video.

8) Halloween is quickly approaching. I couldn't be more excited. While Lester was here I helped her make the patterns for her costume. It's going to be WONDERful. And Otterpop and I figured out our costumes. Last year I was Willy Wonka and Otter was my Oompa Loompa. It was FAB. And a lot of work. Luckily the work is cut in half this year because a friend is letting me borrow a costume. So now I just have to make Otterpop's. CAN'T WAIT!!!!! It's going to be epic.

Oh yeah....the girl's have their costumes picked out too.  But who ever said Halloween is about the kids?

9) Sweet Cheeks started preschool last week. Does it make me a bad mom if I don't bother bringing a camera to document her first day of preschool? I mean, this is her third year of preschool, and she went to the same school last year. So really it's nothing new. Okay. That's me justifying my laziness. Poor kid.

10) Otterpop is out of town. Again. Boo. But...Well, I was going to say there's something good about his traveling this time. Nothing comes to mind. It's another week without Daddy. Hours of Fun for Everyone.

I think that pretty much covers it. I'm trying to force productivity today. That's a pretty silly idea when I just got a book from the library that I've been waiting for over a month to get. You can bet what I'll be doing as soon as this is posted. Till we meet again, wish me happy reading.

From Cement to Pure Gluten Free Bliss

Today I ate a veggie sandwich on whole grain bread. It was Gluten Free, home made, and quite tasty, if I say so myself. I did have a picture of the bread as proof that it looked normal, but I can't find it. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Did I ever tell you about the time Otterpop said my bread tasted like cement? Probably not. After all, who's really reading this anyway? In those early years of gluten free living I did my very best to make GF bread. Let me first say that my cooking skills were... ummm... not quite as refined as they now are. Tactful, right? Yeah, it's just a little nicer than calling my hard work cement.

Really, though, Otterpop was a good sport when I was learning to cook. Unfortunately things got much worse when I first went GF. You see, adjusting to the selection of GF "bread", or lack there of, was one of the most difficult things for me. I did find some substitutes that were just okay, but because it is the gluten molecule in wheat that gives bread it's fluffy texture, there really is no single ingredient in the GF pantry that can compensate.

Despite the odds, I was determined to make GF bread. When I had Otterpop taste my first attempt, he quickly spit it out saying it tasted like cement. I made cement. Not really, but it did turn into a rock almost immediately. So maybe I unwittingly discovered an organic cement mixture.

Short story long, after years of accepting my life without bread I decided to try again. The problem I kept running into this time was that there is absolutely no nutritional value in the GF breads available. And that is just not okay with me. I crave whole grain bread. In fact, when I was pregnant with Addie-Cakes I would open a bag of whole wheat bread and just smell it to satisfy that craving. I know. I'm weird.

I researched and tinkered and have come up with a fabulous whole grain recipe using buckwheat, millet, flax, and teff as the whole grains. In all, there are six (yes, 6) flours in this mixture, but the combination really works. The bread is soft, gooey-ish in that fresh bread sort of way, and quite tasty. In fact, I made some when Madre was visiting. Her response was "Ooh, Tera!", so it's gotta be good.

In terms of full disclosure, the bread is based in large part on this Simply Sugar and Gluten Free recipe. In fact the directions are pretty much word for word. I have taken liberties with it, but Amy deserves much of the credit.

I've been promising a few people this recipe for a long time, so I do apologize to those who have waited so patiently. I hope you find this satisfactory. recipe. In fact the directions are pretty much word for word. I have taken liberties with it, but Amy deserves much of the credit.

Gluten-Free Whole Grain Sandwich Bread
makes 1 loaf

1/2 cup sorghum flour (or Bob's Redmill All Purpose Flour)
1/2 cup buckwheat flour
1/2 cup millet flour

1/2 cup potato starch

1/4 cup ground flax seed

1/4 cup teff flour
2 1/4 teaspoon xanthan gum
1 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
3/4 cup 1% milk
1/2 cup water
1 tablespoon instant or bread machine yeast
2 teaspoons agave nectar
1 large omega-3 free range egg, at room temperature, lightly beaten
4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
3 tablespoons agave nectar
1/2 teaspoon cider vinegar
1 tablespoon of sesame or other seeds to top bread

Preheat oven to 350

1. Whisk together sorghum, buckwheat, millet, potato starch, xanthan gum, and sea salt. Set aside.

2. Mix milk and water in a glass measuring cup. Heat to 110 – 120 degrees F. Use an instant read thermometer to check the temperature. Add 2 teaspoons of agave nectar and yeast. Stir to combine. Cover and set aside for a few minutes or until it’s a little bubbly.

3. In a medium mixing bowl, combine the egg, olive oil, agave, and vinegar. Stir in bubbly yeast and milk mixture.

4. Add the dry ingredients and mix on high periodically scraping down the sides.

5. Transfer mix to a 9x5x3 bread pan that has been prepared with oil and flour (or you can use the classic shortning method. I just don’t have any in my house)

6. Smooth the top with wet fingers. Sprinkle with sesame or other seeds if desired.

7. Bake for 45 minutes. Leave the loaf in the pan for about 5 minutes. Remove and let cool completely on a wire rack. If the loaf starts to sink in the middle, turn it on it’s side. That usually helps. Store in an airtight container in a cool, dark location. Wrap any leftovers after a day or two and freeze.

This can also be made in a bread machine with a Rapid Rise setting. Follow steps 1-3 and continue here:

Pour wet ingredients into the bottom of your bread maker. Top with dry ingredients. Turn on Rapid Rise Fast Bake or equivalent cycle. Remember to scrape down sides to help incorporate flours.

Once the mixing cycle stops, run a clean hand under water and quickly remove the mixing paddle. Smooth the top with wet fingers. Sprinkle with sesame or other seeds. Now is when your bread maker works it’s magic. When the cycle is over, check to see if the bread is done – it should sound hollow when thumped. I needed 10 extra minutes of baking time.

Remove pan from bread machine. Leave the loaf in the pan for about 5 minutes. Remove and let cool completely on a wire rack. If the loaf starts to sink in the middle, turn it on it’s side. That usually helps. Store in an airtight container in a cool, dark location. Wrap any leftovers after a day or two and freeze.

It's about time...

A friend of mine took our family pictures the beginning of SEPTEMBER. Labor Day to be exact. The deal was that she would take them and give me the source files so I could edit them in Photoshop. It's only take six weeks, but I'm finally ready to post them.

I'm not going to say they are "done". There were, after all, something like 400 pictures and every time I go through them I find something else I like. Or I decide I want a slightly different color tint. Another problem of mine is that I see a fabulous face in one of the poses and love something else in another. I can't leave good enough alone and decide to put the face from picture A into picture B.

Photoshop does allow you to do some amazing things. But it's really, really hard to do if you don't have good pictures to begin with. Thank you again, Eva. We still owe you and Bill dinner. Call me.

Anywho...Here are a selected few that I have edited.

Beanie anyone? And for a good cause, too!

I think you all know my sister Lesler. I kinda talk about her a lot. Anywhoo...A while back I told you all that she is running the NYC marathon for charity. It's kinda a big deal.

The thing about running for charity is that you have to raise nearly $3000 (yes, that is THREE-THOUSAND-DOLLARS). The marathon is just over FOUR weeks away, and Lesler is only about half way there. What makes this even a little more urgent is that regardless of whether or not Lesler raises the money through donations, she has committed to donate $3000. They have her credit card and will bill her the difference. Gulp. That could be a seriously expensive marathon.

The charity, TeamContinuum, is a great cause. But we all know NPR doesn't offer those "member gifts" for nothing. So, a la NPR, Lesler is sweetening the pot.

Lesler often says she doesn't have a creative bone in her body. Except for knitting. (I know that isn't true). She has knitted everyone in my little family at least one beanie. We LOVE them and wear them often.

She's putting this skill to use and will knit anyone who donates at a certain level a one-of-a-kind hat. Believe me when I tell you they are totally FAB!

Sensory Overload

My house is filled with the best smells and sounds this morning. After my shower I was pleasantly surprised by what I heard. Otterpop was watching My Fair Lady with the little ladies while I bathed, but the squeals, little girl growls, and other sounds of daddy play drowned out any hint of the movie. I love that my girls have a daddy who who will get down on the ground and play with them.

This weekend we get a little bit of a break from our regular Sunday routine. It is our church's semi-annual General Conference, which means we get to sit at home and listen to some amazing words spoken by church leaders. It also means that Otterpop and I, who teach Gospel Doctrine (Sunday school for adults) every week, get a break. Hooray! But I digress. 

Conference is super up-lifting, yet kind of overwhelming being that this weekend there are four two-hour long sessions. Plus last weekend was a meeting for the women, and last night there was a meeting for the men. Talk about overload. But of the good kind.

Since college, Otterpop and I have had a tradition that we make a Conference breakfast of berry crepes. Yummy. So, with full bellies, the lingering scent of crepes mixed with the pumpkin spice candle that's been burning all weekend, we listen to the words of our prophet. And songs of the Mo-Tab.

Good times. And all good things filling ourr sense. Except for the pee on the floor I just had to touch.